Easing your passage from and to India
Archive for February, 2010
Learning to accept
Feb 22nd
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Tell yourself difficult situations are a part of life and you will be better prepared to handle them..
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You may notbe able to wish away stress but you can deal with it.
Work life is no bed of roses. Those of us in business know that for a fact. Sure, there are positives, a feeling of self-worth and job satisfaction, true contribution to the success of our organisations, a fat bonus or a better title to take home, nods of approval from peers and managers and increased self-esteem, most of all. But there are thorns too, and when these thorns, in the form of difficult situations, tear into us, it’s a test of character indeed.
How do we respond to difficult situations of all breeds and colours that we are likely to be faced with in our working lives? In the way we cope, or don’t cope, lies our future, or the lack of it.
The most common response is denial. There is a natural human tendency the world over to mentally resist facing difficult situations. This doubles the trouble — the difficult situation is in itself a problem and the mental unwillingness to face it creates a second, more important problem.
When we are in the grip of this mental unwillingness we trigger a set of problems best remembered with the acronym MONStress.
M – Magnification of the problem
This is a phenomenon which arises when we are mentally resisting dealing with a difficult situation. Say we have a difficult colleague to deal with. Someone who creates conflict for us in daily work life.
By mentally being resistant to the difficulty, we will imagine the worst, maybe even that the colleague is trying to oust us from our position in the company, deliberately blocking our jobs and carrying tales to the boss. While part of it could be true, the persecution complex we are building makes us read more into things than warranted.
O – Obstruction of
problem-solving skills
This is a side-effect of unwillingness, as we get trapped in a resisting mind and can’t think of creative ways to solve the difficulty – something that can be achieved with a calm mind. When we have imagined the worst of the colleague with whom we are in conflict, for instance, we are so consumed with the problem, we overlook the simple step of a frank chat, “I need you to communicate what you are doing on Project A, can we have the templates you have created too?” could be a conflict resolution dialogue starter. Another solution could be mediation by a neutral third person. Such things may start solving the issue, but our mind taking us on a downward spiral blocks solution-oriented steps.
N – Negative thinking
This is another fallout of unwillingness to face a difficult situation. It is a fact universally acknowledged that negative thoughts attract negative events in our life, as Rhonda Byrne says in her inspiring book The Secret – which promotes the simple formula of ‘Ask for what you want, Believe you can and Act as though you have achieved, and the Universe conspires to let you have it’.
If you constantly say to yourself, “Maybe the boss will sack me, maybe I will be asked to leave”, … there’s a good chance of that actually happening! Instead, we need to be thinking: “I have achieved my revenue target of Rs 1 crore for this project.” Feel the way you will when you have achieved it and then work for it, it will happen.
Stress is the major outcome of unwillingness to deal with difficult situations and we all know stress causes a set of physical ailments and psychological problems.
Thus, a MONStress situation is created by our unwillingness to face difficulties.
Indian philosophy, which is by and large acquiescent and accepting, has an answer — develop an attitude of willingness to deal with difficulties which we are bound to face in life. This willingness comes if we invite within us three ideas which comprise the essence of Acceptance Meditation. (This doesn’t so much mean sitting cross-legged and still, it has more to do with training the mind to adopt a particular attitude.) These are the three ideas:
It is part of creation
Unpleasant situations can’t be wished away, they’re a necessary part of life. They have to be dealt with head-on. People will be people. If a team member has a difficult personality, so be it; leverage people for their strengths and move on.
This too shall pass
When difficult situations come up, remedial steps are required. But there is also a need to accept the inevitable, knowing that it is but temporary.
Obstacles hold valuable lessons
When difficulties arise, we need to focus on the fact that we will come out of them purer, stronger and wiser, and with lessons learnt. The conflict with the colleague, for instance, where you used unnecessary words, escalates to the boss who pulls you up, there is a mediation, your colleague is shifted to a different department and you learn not to have knee-jerk reactions. You learn to bite your tongue, she learns to work harder, your boss is happier with the new, more productive team.
Thus the practice of Acceptance Meditation helps get rid of a MONStress burden on our minds, and we are able to not just endure, but thrive in our work and in our personal lives.
Connecting effortlessly
Feb 8th
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The world is a small place, especially for Indians, who seem to have the ability to make connections with far-flung compatriots..
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I am writing this week’s article from Cambodia. I am in a small town called Siem Reap. This city is home to one of the man-made wonders of the world — Angkor Wat, a complex of temples inspired by Hinduism. Angkor means ‘City of Temples’ and Wat means a monastery. People from all over the world come here to see this fascinating 12 {+t} {+h} century structure.
An Indian colleague there told me this story: Before she entered the pool at a Cambodian resort one day, she checked gingerly with a co-swimmer who looked Indian, how deep the water was. ‘Oh it’s only five feet throughout’ he said breezily, much to her relief. She heard the American intonation in his voice, and guessed right away that he was one of the million-strong Diaspora in the US.
A few laps later, they spoke again as they caught their breath. He told her he shuttled between Mumbai and Florida. He had family in Mumbai, and visited each year. He used the same roads my friend had crossed as a schoolgirl. This man was a Jain and my friend a Tamil, he had dined at the Madras Café in the city, and she had worshipped with another Jain friend at the Telang Road mandir; they found they were familiar with each other’s food habits and religion. A love of the same pani puri haunt at Matunga Market sealed their friendship.
My friend’s story will sound familiar to all of us Indians as we meet and connect with other Indians at so many levels. We are so easy to relate to, because relating means the world to us. Relating stories, relating similarities, simply relating to one another. But such stories sound surprisingly strange to most Westerners. They are often amazed at how, when they leave two Indians in a room for 10 minutes, they always find connections.
This is our cultural advantage. If a company should have multicultural teams, then my argument is that they should use Indians for any job that involves making and keeping connections. They would be making the best use of our strengths this way.
So what can we do to enhance this great gift we have for making and maintaining relations?
For one, be aware of unique terminology and world views on nepotism.
Cousins
‘Cousin’ is a word the Western world uses only to denote the relationship between children of siblings. We tend to use this term for distant relatives too, which works to our advantage in our country when we want to show we are close to someone. However, in the West, this loose usage is confusing. They would consider it ‘nepotism’ if a ‘cousin’ were made a vendor or a buyer, while we might have thought we were doing the right thing by giving them a reliable person to work with. They wouldn’t be able to identify as easily as we do that “my sister-in-law’s husband’s aunt’s son” is a “cousin” to me. Another strange term for them is co-brother/co-sister for two people married to siblings. Therefore, if we do recommend a ‘cousin’ for a post, it is best to explain to Westerners that we have done so after due diligence and provided a relative to look after their needs, not merely to have it all in the family. Bring it right out into the open and let the world know we are law-abiding but trust our own.
Aunties and uncles
While hierarchy in India demands that senior people be addressed as ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’, be aware that this is not to be taken for granted as acceptable in all parts of the world. Explain to Westerners that we use such terms as a sign of respect and use them even for those we are not related to at all. Have them understand that a youngster will address them this way — not a sign of being overtly familiar, but of respect. Also, tell them they could address an Indian as Mr or Mrs, coupled with their first or last name if they prefer to, but some deferential term for older or senior people is a must to sustain relationships in India. For instance, my mother-in-law has been ‘aunty’ to Christopher, the son of my first client, while she is “Mrs Raji” to Mike, my American client himself.
But don’t expect that the Western world will accord you this respect overseas, they won’t know or care to address you by anything but your first or last name.
Make mental and physical notes
When you have established a relationship, details are best remembered by noting them down. The information also needs to be used at the appropriate opportunity. For instance, I learnt during a flight that my co-traveller, the CEO of a top company, had a son named Akhil who was in ninth grade. It stood me in good stead when I met the CEO’s wife Preeti weeks later. We now help each other in the work we do.
A novel way to re-launch!
Feb 1st
CHENNAI: When the eminent artist Thota Tharrani finished his artwork — a swaying Indian belle setting free a dove, reaching out to a silvery moon above — in just 30 minutes, the silence that prevailed till then broke out and the sounds of admiration filled the lounge of Courtyard by Marriott on Friday. The painting is to be used as the cover page of a magazine Culturama, which is being re-launched this March by Global Adjustments, an organisation that offers various services for expatriates.
It was previously being published as At A Glance.
The audience exclaimed in awe when Tharrani gave the final touches for the painting, which depicts India promoting peace in the world.
Beginning with yellow (a tradition for the artist), he filled the rest of the canvas in warm hues of orange, burgundy, white and black.
Indian music maestro Padmashri Aruna Sairam began the functionwith an invocation song and the US Consul General Andrew Simkin handed over the black marker to Thota Tharrani to begin the event.
Initially, there was silence as the audience concentrated on each stroke of the artist as a piano played Indian ragas in the background. Tharrani told the audience to feel free to talk, as he had often painted with children running around him, and once when a dog chased a cat. The Global Adjustments crew thanked the artist and honoured all the team members who were behind the production of Culturama.
